My hands
by sternchan
Summary: Ziva had woken up in a strange hospital a year ago and didn't know who or where she was. The team had tried to find her, but without any luck. Will the song "My Hands" bring them back together? This story is a little AU... or maybe a lot. FINAL CHAPTER ONLINE.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my new plot-following fanfiction on NCIS. And my beta thinks it's far-fetched so I wasn't sure if I was going to publish it or not. But in the end, why not, if you don't like it you can tell me and I'll stop. Deal? **

**It's inspired by the song: "My Hands" from Leona Lewis, which is part of the video game Final Fantasy XIII**.

* * *

The elevator gave a soft 'bing' and the Tony stepped out into the bullpen. Tim was already there, working at his computer. The new girl sat at 'her' desk. She had arrived yesterday evening and, Tony was sure, she would leave this evening.

They had lost her. They had lost Ziva. She had been on a mission in Paris and after an explosion of the hotel she went missing. There was no proof of her death as there was of her life.

This time Gibbs had refused to pick out a new Agent and had scared of any one sent by the director. Tony shook his head sadly. Gibbs had become quieter than usual and when he didn't sleep at his desk at night, he came in late the next morning, looking like a Zombie. He was the one who had sent Ziva to Paris without back up. But Tony didn't blame him, nor did anyone else. Ziva had insisted on going there alone.

The new girl greeted him with a shy smile. He nodded at her. She took a short look at McGee who was focused on the screen of his computer.

"Starting your weekly search?" Tony asked.

McGee nodded slowly. They ran a computer search for any signs on Ziva every week but a year had passed and nothing had come up. The focus was on Paris but they also included other european cities.

**NCISNCIS**

She walked down the street for she was supposed to be at the Café to meet her friends. The window she passed reflected her appearance. A beautiful young woman with dark hair and brown eyes almost 5'7" tall. It had been a warm sunny day, which just turned into dusk with a sunset she couldn't see because the buildings of the city hide it. The street cafes she passed were full with people joking, laughing and enjoying themselves. The caught only pieces of their talk and the only thing she noticed was, that it was not her native language. Of course, she didn't know what her native language was. A year ago she woke up in a hospital only remembering a name. Tony. The doctors didn't know what to make of it so they had started calling her Antonia or Toni as it was to her friends now.

But she knew Toni was not her name. It was a name of someone she had to know but she was unable to remember.

Her friend Danny had started to call her Namine. It was a character from a video game, which was per definition a nobody. She was okay with that after all she was not able to tell that her name wasn't Namine.

Danny, Ralf, Julia and Thomas awaited her in a nice café that had put up torches for decoration. As soon as Toni sat down Danny was holding her hand out to her, presenting the engagement ring on her finger.

"So Thomas finally dropped the question." Toni said with a smile on her face and used the foreign language that she had used the past year. Not her first and not her second. She could tell she had a strong accent. Her friends estimated her to come from some English speaking country but there was still something about her accent that was strange.

Thomas turned red but nodded.

"We want to celebrate; everything you order now is on us!" Danny cheered.

After an hour of just having a good time Ralf turned to Toni: "You got the lyrics done?"

She rolled her eyes and took out a small black notebook, which she gave to him: "I cannot do this. This is all I've got until now."

The others gathered around the book and read.

_I wake in the morning  
Tired of sleeping  
Get in the shower  
And my make my bed alone  
I put on my make-up  
Talk into the mirror  
Ready for a new day, Without you  
And I walk steady on my feet  
I talk my voice obeys me_

Julia sighed and let herself fall back into her seat. "That's your story. And there is no way you are over whatever has been before you woke up in the hospital." She said looking at her friend.

Toni was annoyed: "How can you tell?"

"Your hands, Toni." Thomas answered: "They are shaking, whenever the subject comes up... see."

He was right her hand was shaking so badly she had to put down her glass.

"You need to hurry up with those lyrics." Danny said seriously: "I still can't believe, Square-Enix chose you to make and sing the song for the new Final Fantasy game. Who was it again who registered you in that competition?" She was clearly a bit jealous but not in a very bad way.

"That was you." Toni informed her dryly and Danny smiled.

"Right, that was me."

Toni smiled. A week after she woke up, she had met Danny's sister in the hospital. She was a young girl who was unable to sleep at night. They met in the garden and she had asked Toni to sing a lullaby. The next day Toni got visitors. Danny, Ralf, Thomas and Julia had come to her and asked who she was. She could not answer but those people had taken her under their wings. They were musicians and quiet popular in the region they lived in. Toni had a nice voice and was soon able to earn money with it. Lucky for her, because she didn't know what she had done for living before that.

* * *

**We all know that Ziva can sing since the episode "Last man standing" But remember the deal, if this sucks, please tell me, so I don't have to worry about it anymore :)**

**Lyrics: Leona Lewis- My Hands**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay. I have decided to give this story a chance :)**

* * *

"Anyway," Danny's voice pulled her back into reality: "I was thinking, to invite you and Julia to Paris in two weeks."

Julia looked up from her third cocktail: "You want us go to Paris?"

Danny nodded: "Yeah, Girls Night in Paris!" she said cheerily.

Julia was excited: "That's going to be sooo cool."

Danny started again: "Yeah, I like France and I love Paris. You'll love it. Paris is the most wonderful city in the world."

Toni and Julia nodded to show they were looking forward.

"But don't get into any fights." Ralph warned them.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Julia asked.

"Last week, Toni beat up that guy. He had to go to the hospital." He reminded them.

"Ralph, that's not fair. He attacked us with a knife!" Toni protested.

"True and Toni only defended us by making this cool ninja move, she is not able to recall now." Danny said and tried to tease Toni with it.

It was true, she had defended herself and her friend and after that she didn't know how she'd done it. Her body had just reacted.

"What were you doing in that part of the city at that time of the night anyway?" Thomas asked.

"Hey, we have the right to go anywhere at any time, that pleases us. This guy was drunk and looking for trouble. We have been there often and never had something happened like that." Danny said.

"Well, you stay away from that part of the city. I don't want my fiancé getting hurt." Thomas said demanding.

Danny rolled her eyes but promised.

**NCISNCIS**

When Toni came home that night she took out the lyrics and read them. Her friends were right, this was somehow her story. Before she went to bed she added the lines:

_I go out at night  
Sleep without the lights  
And I do all of the things I have to  
Keeping you of my mind  
_

But as her friends had said; she wasn't very successful. She didn't even know who she wanted to keep of her mind.

**NCISNCIS**

Abby was typing rapidly on her computer. Tim walked into her lab and watched for a while.

"What are you doing, we don't have another case… Wait, are you running a search on Ziva?"

Abby turned around and shook her head. "No I did that yesterday. Now I'm searching for new spoilers on the next Final Fantasy."

"Final Fantasy? Since when are you into that game?" Tim asked.

"Ever since day one. I loved those games. Although number nine wasn't that good, but anyways. You know Nobuo Uematsu quit after Final Fantasy 10 and for the following they were having differet artist to compose the music or at least the final song. This time they had a competition for it. I took part but was not chosen. So I try to figure out who was. There is information on the internet about the new one…." She kept typing and Tim tried to follow her arguments in his head.

Then her computer search seemed to be successful: "Well the name of the new artist is… Antonia Losian." Abby said a little disappointed.

„What's wrong?" Tim asked.

"Nothing, I just thought it would be someone… you know… cool. Some music groups I love took also part in that competition, but this Antonia is a nobody."

"Is there a photo of her?" Tim asked curios.

"Why?" Abby wanted to know and narrowed her eyes at him.

"I just want to know." He said making his way to the keyboard and checked: "No, photo… there isn't much information about her anyway."

"Well like I said. She's a nobody."

**NCISNCIS**

„_Give it back Ziva!" Tony shouted desperately and tried to catch the letter out of her hand. But Ziva just made a quick movement and he missed. It was late in Friday night._

_She was beyond curious. Tony had spent the whole week to write this letter. It was certainly addressed to a woman he was dating. And it was not his habit to fuss over only one woman for a week. _

"_Let's see, who the lucky one is." Ziva said ripping the envelope open. _

"_Give it back." Tony's voice became panicky but again he was just too slow to take it away from her._

_Ziva drew out the paper, unfolding it. She read the first line and her eyes grew wide. She didn't notice that Tony had stopped trying to catch the latter. She slowly made her way over to her chair, eyes never leaving the paper. She sat down. Three pages… the first line was 'Dear Ziva' the last line 'I truly love you. Tony'_

_She looked at him not believing what she had just read. Was this a joke?_

"_Agent David, in my office." The voice of Leon Vance broke the spell._

_Ziva looked up and then hurried up the stairs, looking down at Tony who was following her with his eyes._

Toni woke up and tried to get hold of the dream she just had. But it was one of those dreams which faded away as soon as the mind regained consciousness. The only thing she knew was, that this dreams was important. She looked at her alarm-clock. 3 am. It was hot in the room the windows were wide open but outside it was very humid. The city was expecting a thunder storm. It had been three days since she had met her friends in the café and after that the weather had turned from pleasantly warm to hot and humid. The thunderstorm should have been there a day ago. Now she looked out and saw lightning on the dark sky and heard the thunder rolling in the distance. The storm was coming. The wind rose as a harbinger for the rainstorm. That was why she woke up. She closed the windows a bit and tried to relax.

On next morning the sky was cloudy and grey. Toni got up and went to get a shower. Half an hour later her phone rang and she answered it. It was Danny.

"Hey, I was thinking, why don't we go to Paris this weekend?" she stared right away. "Or do you have any other plans? With Patrick maybe?"

Toni knew that was the reason why she had called. So she lounged into her armchair, this could be a longer phone call. She had a date last night and Danny wanted to know all about it.

"Sure, we can go to Paris this week end. I'll not see Patrick again."

"Why, what happened, he seemed to be so nice?"

"Well, he was. And he was funny and handsome." Toni confirmed.

"Then why on earth aren't you giving him a chance? You cannot scare all of the man away."

"Who said, it was my fault?" Toni asked annoyed and when there was just silence on the other side of the line she said: "All right. My wineglass fell onto his pants and he wasn't happy about that."

"How did that happen?" Danny asked.

Toni hesitated: "Apparently I pushed it into his direction. Or that was what he said."

Danny was stunned: "Why would you do that?"

"My hands… they don't obey. I don't know. Remember Max? I slapped him when he was trying to kiss me. I didn't intend on that. They are working on their own."

"No they are not. It's your subconscious. Something is keeping you from being involved into another relationship. It's your past."

"Yeah, I thought of that too. Listen I'll need yours and Julia's help with the song. I think I have my lyrics done now. Or at least almost done. Wanna come over tonight?"

"I'd love to and I'll bring Julia. We can also talk about our girls night in Paris."

_My hands, don't wanna start again _

_My hands, no, they don't wanna understand _

_My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find  
My hands, they only agree to hold _

_Your hands, and they don't wanna be without _

_Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go _

Tbc

* * *

**Uh yeah girls night. Okay, I need: an old hospital, some acid, a piano, glass, a lot of glass and barbwire, Joffrey… … … uhm… wrong fanfiction. All right in this case I need wine and a map of Paris :D**

**As far as I know there was never a competition for a Final Fantasy song. **

**Lyrics by: Leona Lewis.**

**The name Losian comes from a book I read. The person, who is called Losian had lost his memory.**


	3. Chapter 3

„Hellooooo!" Danny shouted cheerily as Toni opened the door for her and Julia that evening, handing her a bottle of red-wine.

Toni hugged the girls and looked at the bottle. "Wow, that's the wine that ruined Patrick's pants."

"Your favorite." Danny grinned and went to the living room. Kicking her shoes aside and lounging on the couch she made herself home. Julia joined her.

"I'll be right back." Toni said and went to get some glasses and a bottle-opener. When she came back into the living room Julia gave her a stern look, she didn't quite understand.

"You killed it." She said.

Toni was stunned: "I never killed anything!"

Julia pointed to a plant that was standing at the window. Leaves brown and looking sad.

"I did not kill that. I watered it." Toni said in defense.

Julia got up and went over to the dead plant. She pulled it up to see the mass of water in the pot holder: "You drowned it."

"You told me to water it!"

"Yeah, but I didn't tell you to handle it like a fish!"

"Girls! Calm down. Julia next time you give Toni something not living for her "birthday". Toni, try not to murder McTiger, when you watch over him for Christmas for me, okay? Now sit down and let's talk about our trip." Danny said seriously and fished out a sheet of paper from her bag. "The Thalys-Express is leaving at a quarter to six in the morning, so we need to be at the station at maybe half past five. That means we have to leave for the station…"

"At… half past four?!" Julia said: "Danny why do we need to take the Thalys-Express?"

"Well how do you suppose we get to Paris?"

"How about we drive. Or book a bustour?" Julia suggested.

"Or we fly. The airport is not far and it will only be about 45 minutes." Toni said.

Danny drew a face: "I don't like to fly, imagine being in a crash. And the busride is too long."

"If you become a great music-star how are you going to give concerts in America or East-Asia?" Julia asked. They all knew that one of Danny's new songs had made it into the charts last month and was becoming more popular every week.

"I… uhm.. I take a ship."

"You know there were also big accidents with ships. The Titanic and the Costa Concordia…" Julia said.

Toni nodded and added: "The Damocles."

Danny and Julia looked at her: "I didn't hear about that ship. When did it happen? Were many people injured?" Julia asked.

Toni shook her head in confusion. She didn't know, what had happened with the Damocles or what kind of ship it was. The name had just popped into her mind. "I don't know… but I think they all died. I don't remember, I think it was before…"

"That's awful." Julia said.

"Oh great, now I'll never get to America or East-Asia, because I'm not setting a foot onto a ship." Danny muttered.

"Okay… but that's not in question for now anyway. How do we get to Paris?"

The discussion lasted a bit longer and in the end they decided to take a plane. They would both hold Danny's hands and assure her over the 45 minutes. After that they ordered Pizza, Toni showed them the lyrics and played the melody to them with her laptop.

_I talk about you now and do without crying_

_I go out with my friends now,_

_I stay home all alone_

_And I don't see you everywhere_

_and I can say your name easily__I laugh a bit louder without you__  
__And I see different shades now _

_and I'm almost never afraid now_

_But when I think I'll be okay I am always wrong 'cause_

_My hands, don't wanna start again _

_My hands,no, they don't wanna understand_

_My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find__  
__My hands, they only agree to hold_

_Your hands, no, they don't wanna be without_

_Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go_

"I need your voices for a few parts." She said.

"You are missing at least one verse." Julia noted.

"I didn't get to that now." Toni said a little impatient, she was glad she had as much.

Danny nodded: "Why don't you sing it all and they cut it so it sounds like different voices?"

Toni shook her head: "No, I want your voices in it. Believe me, it will sound wonderful."

"Who is this person? The one you are talking about in the song." Danny asked.

Toni hesitated: "They are just lyrics, not everything has something to do with my story."

"Oh come on, you want us to believe that?" Julia asked.

"It's Tony. With a Y. Not Antonia, Tony." Toni explained: "I don't know, why I know that but my name is not Antonia and Tony is another person."

"Alright then. Count me in. You can have my voice." Danny said smiling.

"Mine too." Julia agreed.

**NCISNCIS**

_Tony ran into the lobby of the burning hotel. He had come to Paris because Gibbs had agreed that he would assist Ziva on her mission. Of course he hadn't bothered to tell her about it. It should be a surprise. They didn't have time to talk about the latter he wrote to her and he had hoped to find the opportunity to catch up on that. _

_But when he arrived he saw the building going up in flames. Firefighters were rushing in and rescued whoever they found. Tony had made sure Ziva wasn't already in an ambulance and then ran inside. The heat was intense and hit him like a truck. He made his way up to the stairway. A Firefighter, who was carrying an old man, shouted something at him. It was French, and he didn't understand and hurried on. He made it to the third floor, where he knew, was Ziva's room. The corridor was blocked by parts of the ceiling that had come down. Tony caught the smoke was making its way into his lungs; the heat was almost too much to bear._

"_Zivaaaa!" he shouted and inhaled even more smoke._

_Behind the barricade he saw a face: "Tony! Get out of here!"_

_It was Ziva and of course he wouldn't do as she said and tried to get through to her. Pointless. The building suddenly trembled and more parts of the ceiling came down whirling up sparks of fire. He knew he had to get her out; the statics of the construction was damaged. But there was no way. A window was not an option, because they were still on the third floor and this building had no fire escape on this side. They were all on the backside… on his side. With a sudden horror he realized she was trapped._

"_Get out, Tony!"_

_The floor trembled again and all he could remember was her cry: "TONY!"_

Tony shook his head. He was at work but ever since that day he could hear her scream whenever it went silent around him. He had suffered from insomnia and was unable to stand being alone. So he did what he always did, he filled his loneliness with random girls. It was never the same girl even though they all looked alike. Tall, blond, blue eyes, none of them reminded him of Ziva and that was good. Another way to distract him was hard work-out so he would fall asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Ducky had tried to make him talk about what happened but Tony had turned him down. He had once tried to talk to Gibbs. But his Boss was fighting with his own demons. Whenever Abby asked Tony if he was okay, he always answered: "I will be, as soon as Ziva is back."

Abby on the other side was scared. She had lost her best friend, again and this time everything had changed. Tim had tried to cheer her up whenever it was necessary. But it didn't work very well. Tony became stern and focused on forgetting, even though he pretended not to. Gibbs tried to keep a brave face and to be the same as always but she knew, that loosing another team member was nothing he could handle easily. Whenever Tony told her, that Ziva would come back, she grew first excited. Hope rose, after a day she felt depressed and then angry with herself, for believing him. Angry with Tony for rising her hope and angry with Gibbs because he never mentioned Ziva with a single word. She wanted to have her friend back and Tony and Gibbs and Tim. Everything should be back to normal. Loosing Kate had been worse enough but loosing another friend was unbearable for the whole team.

**NCISNCIS**

The girls met at the airport. They just had their hand baggage with them. All they needed, they would buy in Paris.

Danny was surprisingly calm when they entered the plane and when they had landed in Paris she confessed to them that she had taken a lot of sedative and now was tiered.

The Novotel Paris Les Halles was a nice place to stay. In fact it was more expensive then Toni or Julia could ever effort. But Danny insisted on paying for separate bedrooms for the three of them. Her friends didn't argue. Maybe Danny was not yet a star but she sure had ambitions. After checking in and freshening up they took a taxi to the Louvre and took off to the Arc de Triomphe. It was a long walk but they enjoyed it and then they tried to find the way to the Eiffel-Tower just but seeing it appear from time to time behind other buildings. Toni stopped when they went past a construction site in a small ally. The builder's fence was not covered and she could see the workers. Danny stopped when she noticed that Toni was left behind. "Hey Toni, come on!" she called and when her friend didn't move she went back: "My feet are hurting when I stand still, so please come on…. What's the matter?" she asked. Toni didn't seem to hear her. Her hands were cramped with the fence and she was just staring to the construction. Danny touched her arm slightly: "Toni? What's wrong?" Toni was pulled out of her thoughts as her friend touched her arm: "What is this place?" she asked confused. Danny looked up at a sign: "It says, they are rebuilding a hotel, which had burned down last year."

Tbc

**Why? Why did I send them to Paris? I could have sent them to every european city. London is nice but no, I had to choose Paris. Why I'm complaining now? Because I don't speek French and it's not easy to write those French names for streets and so on. So please forgive me if I write something wrong.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alright, I watched NCIS episode 7x01 together with my beta, because he does not know the show very well. Funny thing when Tony said: "Ziva David is dead." He answered: "No, she's just in Paris."**

Toni was confused and very silent after they had left the construction site. The girls tried their best to cheer her up and involve her in their jokes but she seemed lost in thoughts.

Later, when she was alone in her room, she stood at the window watching the street without really seeing it. She had felt something… and it had not been good. It was fear and horror. It had frightened her. Julia knocked at her door. Danny and Julia wanted to go out once more but Toni was not feeling like it. She told them to go alone, she'd join them tomorrow. "I'll be alright." She promised.

_It was hot and she didn't know where she was. The exit must have been down this corridor. But the there was a burning barricade. The ceiling had come down. Suddenly she heard her name. A small howl in the barricade showed her Tony. How was that possible? He should be in Washington DC, home and save. _

"_Tony! Get out of here!" she said. But he didn't, he tried to free her. But she knew there was no time. The building suddenly trembled and more parts of the ceiling came down whirling up sparks of fire. Only with difficulty they were able to steady themselves. And then the floor trembled. She watched the hole that formed under his feet._

"_TONY!" she screamed as the floor under him crashed into the next level. He got hold and she tried to reach for him. Pain rose in her arm as the flames burned her skin. She couldn't reach him. She stretched a little more and the building trembled again. Tony lost hos hold and fell down._

"NOOOO!" Toni sat up in bed her right arm stretched out as if she wanted to catch someone. She was sweating and breathing rapidly but she only remembered that she had a dream about fire. The moonlight that came from the window shone on her arm and the burn scar was the color of silver on her skin. She looked at it. It took her a few minutes to calm down and then she went into the bathroom.

The next morning started late, for Danny and Julia slept long. Toni sat in the hotel-lobby waiting for them. When they finally joined her she gave them a sheet of paper. "Done. The last verse."

_Sometimes I'll wake  
I see them reaching out for you  
Quietly break whatever shields I spent so long building up  
I cannot fake, 'cause when they cry I'm unspoken  
They miss holding my baby..._

_My hands (my hands)_  
_No they don't wanna understand_  
_They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find_

Danny looked surprised: "So that was it you were doing yesterday. Did you send it to Square-Enix?"

Toni nodded silently.

"Great! Now we can have a good and free time here, come let's go and get breakfast and then Paris is ours!"

They had not asked how Toni got the idea for the lyrics and they didn't notice the shadow behind her eyes as they walked out into the warm summer sun.

**NCISNCIS**

"Yes!" Abby ran into the squad-room and waved her umbrella. It was the end of September and it was raining strongly. The new girl at Ziva's desk drew a face and tried to prevent her paperwork from getting wet. Abby didn't like her. Tony and Tim looked up. Gibbs was not there.

"What's up Abby?" Tim asked.

She reached into her pocked and drew out five tickets.

"I've got them. It was hard but now we can all go."

"Go where?" Tony asked.

"To the Final Fantasy XIII concert in the DAR Constitution Hall on the fifth January next year." She said and started to dance around.

"You know that's mostly classic music?" Tim asked as he pulled the umbrella out of her hand for she was sprinkling the whole room with raindrops.

"It's Final Fantasy." She said back as if it was of no question, that this was something really special.

Tony got up and took the tickets from her: "You, Tim, Me, Gibbs and Ducky?"

She nodded happily. "I'll order all the costumes."

"Costumes?" Tony asked alert.

"Yes, we have to dress up. I'll be the female main character. And you…"

"I won't dress up." Tony said sternly.

"Come on Tony it's not that bad."

"Oh, well I'm sure you do that all the time, Elf-Lord!" Tony said.

"Okay, stop fighting. Then I'll be the only one to dress up, but you are coming, aren't you?"

Of course they would come.

**NCISNCIS **

Toni had tried everything. She couldn't find out more about herself. She had done the research secretly, because she didn't want her friends to worry. Julia, Danny, Ralph and Thomas were excited about the upcoming tour. It was the concert tour for the new Final Fantasy game. Of course Julia and Danny would accompany her, because they would be singing along. The guys had bought tickets to every show. Tokyo, Sidney, Stockholm, London, New York and Washington DC.

While they just were unable to stop planning, Toni was tracking her footsteps. She had woken up in a hospital in Strasbourg. The doctors, she had called said she was transferred there from Paris because of her injuries and the specialty of the hospital. There she had met Danny's sister and after being released she went to live near Danny. But she didn't know what had happened before that. Now she was goggling some Names she remembered. Tony. 168.000.000 hits in 0,25 seconds. ‚Congratulation Google, but that's way too much' she thought. Damocles 3380000 hits. Damocles ship… 215000 hits.

She closed her eyes and tried to remember more. There was something about that ship. It had something to do with Africa. But all she found was a very short note, that the Damocles was one of the ships that capsized in a storm a few years ago. Toni rubbed her eyes, she grew tired and after another search for Tony, she closed her Laptop and went to bed.

_The floor under her feet waved softly. The light was dim and she smelled salt. She was on a boat and she was not alone. There were men, the crew and … she saw his face, he was her friend or her partner or… she didn't know. They were in a hurry. What had happened? Arriving at a closed door they pulled out weapons. And then they went and… killed the crew! Suddenly she was out of her body and watched herself killing without hesitation. She saw herself shooting at other people, ruthlessly… _

Toni woke up with a scream. This wasn't right. It was just a dream. But how could she make something like that up? She hurried into the bathroom and washed her face. Then she looked into the mirror but not long. She almost saw herself again, with that weapon, murdering people. The next day Toni was unfocused. She tried hard to convince her friends, that she was fine but when she got home, she was afraid to sleep. And when she finally did the dream came back, and again and again. So after that she stayed awake until 3am, watching TV. Then she grabbed the remote-control to turn off the television. There in the mirror. It was her, she had a gun. Toni went over and started to slam the remote control into the mirror not feeling the pain as she cut her hands. She was okay with them getting hurt. If they tried to hold onto her past, which must have been horrible they deserved to be hurt.

_My hands, your hands, they don't wanna be without your hands  
No they will not let me go  
No they will not let me go  
My hands, don't wanna start again  
My hands, no they don't wanna understand  
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find  
My hands, they only agree to hold your hands  
No they don't be without your hands  
And they will not let me go  
No they will not let me go_

Danny found her the next day, surrounded by shards. Her back leaned against the wall, knees pulled up to her chest, elbows and head resting on her knees, hands in her hair, bloody. There was no question for Danny what to do. She got her friend to a hospital.

Toni said it was an accident but she knew Danny and the doctors didn't believe her.

"What happened?" Danny asked for the hundredth time while driving home. Toni's hands in big bandages.

Toni didn't answer.

"You know, something is troubling you. I can see that. And I know it's your past. So I did some research. There is a good psychologist in Washington DC. She helps people remembering their past with hypnoses. Maybe we could go and see her when we are there." She said with a smile.

"I don't need someone who brings back my past. I need a ton of concrete to bury it." Toni answered.

Danny was surprised: "Why, I always though you wanted to know, where you came from."

"I did. But I found out, I was not a good person. If I assume correctly I was a very bad person. I decided to forget about that life. This life is worth living, not the past one. I will not try to get it back. My hands will have to accept they lost against my will."

Tbc

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**Thanks for reading.**

**There will not be an update until august the 20th, because from Friday on I'll be in Italy for a week. Hope I can update soon after my vacation :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm back. With suntanned skin, relaxed and a lot of more shoes (not to mention my new dresses) in my closet I can now concentrate on my writing. This chapter is short but I hope you'll like it anyway.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

„Christmas! Oh no, we are not going to be able to go to Norway." Danny exclaimed when she got the tour dates.

Thomas looked at her: "I thought you knew. At the 26th of December we will be in London. And the concert in Stockholm is on the 19th."

"We start at the December 5th in Tokyo and finish on January 5th in Washington DC." Toni said, looking at the schedule.

"Sadly we do not have so much time in New York. There is a week between all the concerts but only a few days between New York and Washington." Julia said sadly. "I always wanted to visit New York."

"You won't have time to see all those cities anyway. There will be preparations and rehearsals and 'meet and greet' afterwards. You'll rarely have time to see me or Thomas. And remember they asked you to also sing 'Eyes on me' and 'Melodies of life'." Ralph said.

"Oh well, two songs more won't kill us. But maybe we can sneak out one day to see each city." Julia said.

"I doubt we can see London or New York in one day but the others will be impressive too." Toni assumed.

Danny was still a little sad: "I was looking forward to be in Norway."

"Well at least you can bring McTiger to your parents and won't have to worry about Toni killing him." Julia mentioned.

"Hey! Stop teasing me!" Toni complained but Julia smiled and hugged her from her seat.

They were invited to Tokyo for a few days to talk to the organizers of the tour. So they were on a plain to Narita. Danny hadn't protested on going by plain, because by now she thought going by ship was far more dangerous. Square-Enix had send them first class tickets and Thomas and Ralph had paid for theirs on their own.

"Put on this 'Melodies of life' song." Julia said and took her headphones. The others did the same and Toni started the song.

The song was in English thankfully. They would've had problems' performing it in Japanese. Julia and Danny loved it and started to discuss who would sing which part.

Toni just sat there for some time listening to the verses.

_So far and away, see the bird as it flies by  
gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky  
I`ve laid my memories and dreams upon those wings  
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings  
In your dearest memories  
Do you remember loving me?  
Was it faith that brought us close and now leaves me behind? _

There was something about it that made her feel uncomfortable. But she had no choice. And there were other things that bothered her. The meet and greets. What if there was someone remembered her? Who could tell who she was, now that she had decided not to find out about her past. She shook of that thought there were almost 7 billion people in this world, the possibility to meet someone she knew was marginal.

**NCISNCIS**

Abby was checking the web every day for news on the Final Fantasy concert. It seemed that she even forgot to run the weekly check on Ziva. Tony watched it with concern. It was not usual for Abby to forget about a friend. After all she still missed Kate badly after such a long time. But when he looked around he found that everyone had gone on. Tim did the weekly research but he was busy with some mystery lady, he didn't want to talk about. Gibbs had finally accepted the new Agent Dorrien and Tony was sure he was seeing someone. Was he really the only one who still missed Ziva? He didn't like Agent Dorrien, she was too focused on work and not in for jokes.

Tonight Tony intended to go home but ended up at Gibbs house. There was only one car in the drive way so Tony was quite sure Gibbs would be alone. He found him in the basement. There was a new boat almost finished, only the name was missing. Standing in the middle of the stairway, Tony looked at it. It was the most beautiful boat his Boss had ever made.

"Well, what's her name?" Tony asked.

Gibbs who had been mixing colors looked up at him, when he realized that Tony was talking about the boat he smiled.

"Not sure yet. What would you suggest?"

Tony came down, and rounded the boat. "Kate."

Gibbs chuckled: "Kate? I thought about Ziva."

"Might be not so good, you always name your boats about dead people."

"No, my ex-wives are not dead."

"But they are lost to you, Ziva is not lost."

Gibbs sat down and looked at him. He could see that Tony was troubled. "What is it DiNozzo?"

"I don't know. Everyone is forgetting about her. Abby is all up into the concert, I believe she forgot about Ziva. Tim is dating a mystery lady and you,… you welcomed Dorrien on our team. What's wrong with all of you?"

"First, I did not welcome Dorrien to the team. Vance told me if I scare her off, he would move all of you to different teams. Abby didn't forget about Ziva, she came by yesterday to talk about her new research and McGee… well he is at the moment not on my good side. He broke rule 12."

Tony lent onto the side of the boat and let his fingers stroke the wood. "I almost did too."

Gibbs nodded: "I know. And if I could I would give her to you, but… I can't. But nobody forgot about her." He said taking the color he had just mixed. "Now, let's name this boat Ziva and hope it will be a good sign."

On the 6th of December Abby stormed into the bullpen, babbling words they didn't understand and waving her arms uncontrolled in the air. Tim caught her hands. Dorrien looked annoyed and Gibbs asked: "Abby, you need a doctor?"

"YES!" she shouted: "Get Ducky up here, fast. He has to see this!"

When Ducky was in the bullpen, Abby handed McGee a USB-stick and told him to turn the video on.

"It's the record of the Final fantasy concert in Tokyo yesterday… I found it on the internet. Bad qualities and the fan stopped recording when it really gets interesting but… get ready to meet Antonia Losian." Abby said as the concert started.

The video was really short and they watched a song only played by a classic orchestra and then the stage went black. The light came back slowly as the music and the voice for the next song started.

_I wake in the morning  
Tired of sleeping  
Get in the shower  
And my make my bed alone_

Gibb and his team held their breath. The person who sang this song… they knew her, it was Ziva! By the time the chorus set in the stage was bathed in light and there were two other girls by her side, then the video suddenly stopped.

"No!" Tony shouted. "Why did it stop?"

"Was that really Ziva?" Tim asked and looked at this teammates, but they were all not able to say a word.

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

„Yes, we are famous!" Danny shouted and searched her bag for a special item. They were on their way to Sydney. Danny found what she was looking for and drew out four magazines. They seemed to have different titles but the front page was always the same. Toni with a microphone singing 'My Hands'. Julia grabbed one of them and opened it. There was a large article and more pictures also including her and Danny.

"And what do they write about the concert?" Toni asked.

"I don't know. I don't speak Japanese, but isn't that cool?" Danny said and looked for other pictures of herself and her friends.

"Well it was really a great show." Ralph said.

Danny and Julia had been completely crazy after the concert and even Toni was not able to stop smiling. The fans they had met afterwards were all amazing.

Toni leaned back into her seat. She was satisfied. This life was great.

The concert in Sydney went well and all three girls enjoyed the atmosphere. The manager of the tour was happy and satisfied, that everything went so good. At least apart from the usual trouble with light installation and sound problems before the shows.

But after the concert in Stockholm something happened that no one expected. It had occurred during the meet and greet after the show. The fans they met were friendly and happy to see them but there was this man. Ben-Gidon. He had stormed into the lounge were Danny, Julia and Toni always met the fans.

"Ziva!" he called, addressing Toni.

She looked at him. Danny and Julia jumped up, the other fans were just confused.

"Pardon me?" Toni answered.

"It's me Malachi Ben-Gidon." He said.

Toni looked puzzled.

He stormed over to her: "Mossad hat lost your trail in Paris. We all thought you were dead."

"What?"

It was clear, that she didn't understand a word. Mossad? Wasn't that an Israeli organization? Why did they follow her?

"You are Ziva David. You were trained to be a Mossad officer. An assassin!" he said in Hebrew. He saw that she understood the words but not the message. He didn't understand why she was there. Why she sang songs for a Videogame and why she wasn't with the NCIS. Eli David had told him to follow her career, for he always needed to know what she was doing. The last thing he knew was, that she died in the explosion in Paris. When he had seen the poster that announced the concert here he acted immediately. He grabbed her by her shoulders, shaking her.

"Security!" Toni called and three men rushed into the room.

Ben-Gidon was lead outside but not without a fight. Two more men were necessary to overpower him. The meet and greet was over after that. Toni, Danny and Julia were brought back into their hotel. The manager of the concerts and the head of security apologized to them.

"We will cancel all meet and greets. We are so sorry for that. We'll double the security for the next concerts. Nobody will be able to get backstage." He promised.

"That's the least thing you can do!" Danny was furious.

After they had left Danny turned to Toni. "Who was this Ben-Gidon?"

Toni shook her head: "I don't know. I don't want to know."

"He called you Ziva. Maybe we can do some research on that name…." Julia started.

"NO." Toni said firmly: "I don't want to know what all this meant."

"But Toni…" Danny started.

"No." Toni said again. She had understood what this man had said to her. Up to that point she didn't know she was able to understand Hebrew. She was frightened and not because he had grabbed her. No, she was sure she could have handled him, but his words cut deep. She was Antonia Losian. Nobody else. There were only two concerts left and then she could go home with her friends and forget about all this.

She was sure now that she had been a bad person. An assassin! Was it even safe for her to travel around the world? She had not been taken into custody in Australia or Japan but what happened if the USA had a warrant on her head? What would she do if she got arrested at the airport? Could they convict her for crimes she didn't remember?

But when they arrived in New York nothing happened. So maybe they government was not looking for her, maybe this Ben-Gidon just confused her with someone else.

**NCISNCIS**

Abby was mad. Not at her team but at the bad guy who had murdered a navy officer's wife. Unfortunately this wife was the daughter of a senator, so Vance had forced Gibbs and his team to investigate. All this had happened the day before they wanted to go to Sydney and see Ziva. But at that time they just could not leave without closing this case.

It took them weeks to finish it. They could close the case, between Christmas and New Year and now they were in the middle of the crowd waiting for the show.

**NCISNCIS**

The manager had done good work. He had all the papers ready and no one was taken into custody at the airport. The concert in New York had been great, even though Julia was still sad, that she couldn't see anything of the city.

The concert in Washington had started. It was the last and Toni promised herself to give her very best.

After the concert Danny and Julia walked through the corridors underneath the stage. They were chatting and laughing and on their way to Toni's dressing room when they noticed two man, whom they had never seen before.

"Hey, you are not allowed to be in here!" Julia said.

One of the men showed her a badge: "Special Agents DiNozzo and McGee, NCIS. We are looking for Antonia Losian."

Julia and Danny looked puzzled. "NCIS? Oh you mean CSI!" Julia said.

"No, we are federal Agents."

The girls thought for a moment: "Federal Agents… oh yes right FBI!" Danny said happily.

"No Ma'am NCIS." One of them said and then he looked at his partner: "How come, nobody knows us?"

The other one shrugged: "Because there is no show about the NCIS on television. Anyway we are looking for…"

"Me?"

Danny and Julia turned abound. The Agents looked over their shoulders. Toni was standing behind them. She passed her friends, holding her wrists together. She expected to be under arrest. The man named Ben-Gidon had been right. She was an assassin and a bad person and they had come to lock her away.

_My hands, they only agree to hold _

_Your hands, and they don't wanna be without _

_Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go_

**tbc**


	7. Chapter 7

Final Chapter

„You arrested her?" Vance asked, not believing what he was told.

"She attacked a federal agent." Gibbs said with a shrug.

They all stood in Vance's office looking hat his plasma screen. It was connected to the camera in the conference room, where Ziva was sitting. Elbows on the table, face in her hands.

After they had finally found her Tony had not been able to hold back himself. He had stormed over and hugged her. Unfortunately she had panicked and within an instant he was lying on the ground with her foot against his throat. In the next second she had pulled away and started to apologize.

"She really doesn't remember a thing." Tim said. "We tried to tell her that she was not arrested, but she seemed to confused."

Suddenly the door opened and Danny and Julia stormed in, followed by Vance's assistant and a security guard.

"You have to let her go!" Danny shouted and pulled her arm to her side as the security tried to grab her: "Toni is a good person. Please let her go home with us." Now she was fighting with the guard. He had a lot trouble to hold the young woman, because Julia started to kick his legs and slap him.

The situation was almost funny.

"It's okay, they may stay." Vance told his people and the guard and his assistant left them.

Danny straightened her blouse. She was still wearing her show costume, as was Julia.

Gibbs pointed to the table and they sat down.

"How do you know Ziva?" he asked friendly.

"We met her in a hospital near Strasbourg, when my sister was there." Danny answered. "She said her name was Antonia Losian."

"No, she said, that the doctors called her that." Julia corrected her: "She told us, that all she could remember was the name Tony."

Danny nodded.

Tony looked up: "She remembered my name?"

The girls shrugged: "Maybe yours maybe some other Tony."

"Boss, I need to go in there." Tony told Gibbs.

But Gibbs shook his head: "You want her to break some of your ribs?"

"Oh, she would never to that on purpose." Danny said quickly. "It's just sometimes, when she believes herself or others in danger she does those cool ninja moves. But she doesn't know how to repeat them."

Ducky smiled: "Well, then it is not to late, She can get her memory back. It seems it is just buried and not lost."

"She doesn't want to." Julia said firmly: "She is just fine to be Antonia and our friend."

"Toni is afraid of what she was." Danny added. "But if you send her home with us, we take care that she'll not kill anyone. I promise."

Gibbs chuckled softly: "We are not afraid that she will hurt or kill somebody. We just want her to remember…"

He was cut of by Julia: "So that she can be an assassin for your organization?" she asked angrily.

Gibbs shook his head: "No, she is family to us. It's true, she is a trained assassin and she is really good at it but in the last years she has become a NCIS agent. She became a member of my team. And believe me, when she remembers who she is she'll be fine with what or who she was before she became an American citizen."

Danny didn't believe him: "How can she be okay with such an awful past?"

"It wasn't awful." Tony said: "We've had fun. She always said it was her decision to become a Mossad officer and she joined our team on her own will. She loves this work, she loves this people and maybe she loves me too."

"She just doesn't know." Ducky said.

"Yes and she doesn't want to know, so leave her alone." Danny said.

"Tony, where are you going?" Gibbs asked when Tony got up: "DiNozzo!"

But he was already out of the room. In the next minute they saw him entering the conference room.

NCISNCIS

Ziva looked up as she heard someone at the door. It was one of the agents, the one she had wrestled to the ground.

"Can… can I go now?" she asked.

"No, but I thought I could give you a tour?" Tony said.

Ziva stood up and slowly followed him out of the room. As they passed the most wanted galleriy she was relieved to see, that she was not on that wall. Tony stopped in front of a desk. A young woman sat there, working at her computer.

"This is Agent Dorrien, and that is your desk." Tony said.

Dorrien looked up.

"You can pack your stuff. Ziva is back, that means you are out." He told the woman behind the desk and then lead on to the break-room.

Ziva hurried to follow him: "I'd prefer if you'd call me Toni."

"Sorry can't do that. I'm Tony, so that would be very confusing.", he grinned and gave a vending machine a kick.

"Are you…. My Tony?" she asked slowly. "The one whose name I remember?"

He turned to her and grinned: "Yes I am. Sit down. You want a coffee or something? I'm going to tell you something about you, it might take a while."

The sun had slowly stared to rise. It was winter and cold but the light flooded the break-room. Ziva sat there, eyes fixed on the cup of coffee she held. The coffee had gone cold, while Tony had talked and told her about her past, her friend and many more. But she still couldn't remember.

_My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find_

It was strange, her hands did not shake. They were perfectly calm. She took a sip of the cold coffee.

"Okay, give us 24 hours. If you don't remember anything after that you can go with your friend. If you do remember and don't want to stay, go with your friend, but if you want to stay we all will be glad. Just 24 hours, starting now." Tony said.

She looked at him. One day. She could do that. She nodded slowly.

NCISNCIS

She had told her friend about the 24 hours.

"In two day, we can go home." She said and then followed the grey haired man out of the building.

Agent Gibbs had insisted in taking her with him. He said she needed some rest and he was right. She was now awake for about 24 hours and needed sleep. But he didn't take her to the hotel. No, he stopped his car in front of a house. The sun was now hidden behind clouds and it was snowing. He went inside the house first and she closed the door. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. When the door was closed she touched the handle.

"It's never locked." She said. It was not a question, nor was it a conclusion. It was a simple fact that came into her mind.

Gibbs stood there, watching her: "That's right. Come, follow me."

They went upstairs. The first door they passed had a sign with the name Kelly on it. Ziva stopped.

"This door is always locked." She mumbled.

"It is." Gibbs said waiting for her at the next door.

The door had another sign that said: Ziva.

He opened it and she looked inside. The walls had a friendly light green color. There was a bed with clean sheets and nightstand with a lamp and a CD-Player. On the bed was a stuffed animal. An ice-bear with green gloves.

A dresser stood next to the window. The window was slightly open and Gibbs went over to close it.

"After the events in Somalia, you crashed so often on my couch I thought you might need a room for yourself. I told you, you could decorate it but you didn't. You used it often. Sometimes I heard you coming in at night but in the morning you were gone."

"What happened in Somalia?" she asked and went over to sit on the bed.

Gibbs hesitated. Tony hadn't told her. Well maybe there were things she really didn't need to remember. "If you want I'll tell you after you slept." He said and left the room. After he closed the door she saw a key in the keyhole.

'A door, that's always open, a door that's always locked and a door that I can leave open or lock… just the way I want." She thought shortly before she fell asleep.

Only six hours late she woke up but she felt refreshed. She looked around and her eyes found the ice-bear, which was lying on the ground.

"Sorry Charlie." She said while she placed him back onto the bed.

It had been a Christmas present from Gibbs, though she never celebrated Christmas, she was…. She was Jewish. Yes… she remembered having a necklace with the Star of David. Her hand flew to her neck but there was no necklace. Where did she loose it? She got up fully and went out of the room. Nobody was upstairs or down in the kitchen. But there was fresh coffee, of course there was coffee. She grabbed a cup and then went into the basement. She was not sure why, but she knew she would find Gibbs there.

It was true. Gibbs was working down there. He was cleaning the floor with a broom and looked up as soon as he heard her footsteps.

There was a boat in his basement. It had the name Ziva on it but she was not sure how it got in here. So she asked.

"I build it in here." Was the answer.

"And how will you get it out?"

Gibbs grinned: "Many people asked me that and I will never tell anyone. Come, look at it, it's yours."

She rounded the boat. It was nice and it seemed strong. "I'm Jewish." She said suddenly.

"That's right. Did DiNozzo tell you that?"

"No. Where is my necklace?"

Gibbs sat down: "We never found it. I'm sorry."

Ziva looked at the spot under his chair. "Ari." She whispered.

Gibbs got up and hugged her when she started to cry. He had to think about, how she helped him to get his memory back. She had head-slapped herself with his hand and that had triggered it all. This was the same. She was crying in his arms. It didn't stop. No it took almost an hour until she looked up at him.

"I didn't need 24 hours." She whispered.

Gibbs smiled. "You want to go and see Tim, Tony and Abby?"

She nodded happily.

NCISNCIS

A month later Ziva woke because of a thunderstorm outside. She had told Danny and Julia, that she would stay in the USA with her family. They were happy for her. And a week after they went home Danny mailed her that she would move with Thomas to New York. So they could see each other whenever they wanted to.

Ziva had picked up on her old life in every way possible. There was no need for her to work because her song had been very successful all around the world but she insisted in staying with the NCIS.

Now that she lay awake listening to the storm outside. She smiled. Tony was with her. He shifted in his sleep and drew her close.

_My hands, they only agree to hold your hands  
No they don't be without your hands  
And they will not let me go  
No they will not let me go_

No, no, no they will not let me go

The End

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**Well, I'm glad I gave this story a chance. I hope you are too. Okay; why was it Gibbs, who was with her when she got her memory back? Because of the same reason, why she was the one who had helped him at the end of season three… Honestly, I don't know :D**

**I'd like to thank you for all the reviews and your support on this story!**


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